Meep!

Valencia wrote to her sister:
We are genetically primed to fill out house dresses.

DJ:
*looks, panicky, toward Moby*

In the teeth of it: reactions to a newly capped tooth

LW wrote:

Congratulations on your anti-hillbilly surgery. It's nice to get fixed up.

Pragmatic

KBS wrote:

If you can't exploit your friends, who can you exploit? I mean, other than your children.

Inspiration

KBS wrote:
I have the following comments re: your recent blog posts:

1. I too own an Emile Henry classic rectangular casserole dish in cobalt.
2. Someday I will start a band called Virulent, Farting Babies, and our new wave flatulence rock will change music forever.

That is all.
kbs

P.S. I am unconfident about the use of the comma in that compound modifier. Are the babies virulent AND farting? Or are the farting babies virulent? Discuss.

P.P.S. The Spears family. Oy. That in no way relates to your blog. But seriously. OY.

DJ wrote:
zomybob. please note headline at People.com:
Lynn Spears's parenting book delayed indefinitely.

can i get a lung-heave-snort?

Rambling incoherently

DJ wrote:
AM VIRTUOUS OR SIMILAR: have been xmas shopping for in-laws.

JERF wrote:
I doubt ewe are virtuous, or even similar.

DJ wrote:
you need to help me figure out what to get them for christmas. i'm stymied.

NOTE:
-they aren't really into recreational reading
-they don't watch movies
-they don't like to go out much
-the don't really drink

help a heifer out.

JERF wrote:
Erf. Have had three hrs sleep. Hank nergils to the brim. Fak.

Re Gifts: We got my FIL a digital thermometer a few years ago and he loves it. It has a probe (yikes) which sits outside and tells the temperature. Simple, and yet has provided hours of fun.

Other ideas:
-foot massager
-roomba
-kitchenware for MIL
-framed pics of spouse
-flavored body oils

DJ wrote:
wow. stealth bomb.

so, sorry 'bout hank's schnoz. how is little angel? still stuffed up? think he all dat? fillin' hi' diaper? (i have no idea.)

JERF wrote:
Oh my god, don't get me started on his bowels.

DJ: done.

Anyway, I didn't call his daycare, because am bad parent and have just been abstracted all day. can't concentrate. am making rash decisions. Am hamster.

DJ wrote:
*jerf runs around after cheese on little wheel*

JERF wrote:
Did you say cheese? where?

*stores snacks in cheeks*
*poops on cedar chips*

DJ wrote:
IS LIKELY: that haytch picked up germies from ruffians (crystal or starbryte or whatever her name is) at Chap Camp?

JERF wrote:
Entire passel (passle?) of tots at Kiddie City is tubercular and moist. Is horrific. they are cleaning the place perpetually, but have bad feelings the jumperoos and exersaucers are giant agar lumps in petri dish of classroom.

*Hank licks wall*
*Jerf takes bath in Lysol*

Chocolate-chip pancakes with blueberry penicillin on top

JERF wrote:
So, am lunching this 'noon with coworkers at local IHop.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, apparently Dick C. is having heart procedure as we speak. Cross hooves, filly.

DJ wrote:
*respectful silence*

JERF wrote:
I mean, there is only so much a ticker can take, right?

. . . TIME ELAPSE . . .

DJ wrote:
i assume things went swimmingly for darth vader?

JERF wrote:
I don't want to talk about it.

DJ wrote:
*sigh* nothing a very berry flavortastic mocha whipped creamsicle short stack won't take care of, jerfy!
*points you in direction of ihop*

JERF wrote:
Oh, fack. Bad news on that front. Outing was cancelled due to organizer's illness. I had to have salad bar for lunch. Am perhaps hungrier now than was before I ate it. I may have to make a run to the convenience store.

DJ wrote:
*KitKat sings siren song from break-room vending machine*

JERF wrote:
TRUE STORY: I did get a Kit Kat yesterday. How did you know?

DJ wrote:
DJ: *sing-songy, overly natural voice* oh, you know! just one of those "we share a brain" moments! heh!!

JERF: huh. okay. cool. *goes back to typing* *notices mold spore on desk* god dammit. . . . *peers closely* waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit . . . *notes "mold spore" has steno pad and sharpened pencil* sonnova! . . .

DJ: *urgent whisper into headset* abort mission. i repeat, abort.

JERF wrote:
I thought the mold seemed loud yesterday. Hmm.

TS: I also did my mold-killing yesterday. It's like you are here.

DJ wrote:
*sadly* i know. we have a high casualty rate for this mission. *beat* agents pull hazard pay.
*dispirited*

Slip of the tongue

DJ wrote:
UPDATE ON ROMANOV EDITING PROJECT: *picks teeth* *makes mid-morning snack* *joins facebook*

RAF wrote:
isn't a romanov a type of bomb also? oh or is it a kolakov? like a kolakov cocktail or something? look into it. and you're welcome for this procrastination opportunity.

DJ wrote:
nice, ESL. is not Kalashnikov (gun). is Molotov cocktail. *snort*

Faced

DJ wrote:
HORRIFYING UPDATE: have just joined facebook. had no previous desire. evidently blogging was slippery slope. actually, got invite to join, and was too lazy to say no.

*considers this*

think will invest in adult diapers because is easier than getting up to use facilities,
dj

p.s.
ewe should join. we can wreak havoc.

JERF: you mean reek?
DJ: that, too.

JERF wrote:
We should get you one of those hats that you can put the beer cans on, so as to free up your hands for typing when you need a beverage.

CONSIDER: feeding tube

DJ wrote:
ooh! mochalattefrappuTEAno!

E proboscis unum

JERF wrote:
Don't make me laugh today, cow; my perfect proboscis is raw from head cold.

DJ wrote:
that should not be a problem.

ooh! think i found the real minka kelly on facebook. will not grovel and request e-BFF status. have measure of pride.

JERF: oh, really?
DJ: now, that was just lazy.
JERF: *small voice* sorry. *goes off to watch "according to jim" reruns in syndication*

It's funny because it's true

DJ wrote:
snood has also become one of my favorite words.

and? last night i had a bizarre dream in which the word snood featured prominently. except in my dream a snood was a v. large (like larger than softball size) nut with holiday candies lodged in the shell. and i KEPT giggling about the word. and kept enjoining guests at a holiday party to "please partake of the snood!"

*beat*

need therapy?

Rallying cry

DJ wrote:

is t-shirt at caffe press that reads: "Barack is the new BLACK!"
*snort*

JERF wrote:

oo. likey.

other fave: "my mama is for obama."

Hank won't be wearing it, but I still think is cute.

DJ wrote:

EWE SHOULD: treat hank like skin-covered billboard.





(visual is ew!)

(*snort* just saw unconscionable "Bros before hos" Barry/Hill t-shirt. *snort*)

Technically, . . .

JERF wrote:
We need to send out feelers (ew) to friends in 'cago to see what their availability is, so I will let you know soonish if it will werk. I hope it does.

DJ wrote:
giggled over "feelers (ew)" commentary. --jim belushi

JERF wrote:
really? that was unexpected. ewe like me; ewe really like me!

DJ: . . .

DJ wrote:
sure! sure i do!

like \lIk\ vb liked; liking [ME, fr. OE lician; akin to OE gelic alike] vt (bef. 12c) 1 to forbear, tolerate [Sure! Sure I ~ you!]

I had big '80s bangs in my yearbook photo

DJ wrote:
TRUE STORY: EF's hair looks super fierce in his facebook picture.

JERF wrote:
Ooh! How is EF?

DJ wrote:
i have no idea. he has so far spurned my facebook overtures of e-BFF'ness.

JERF wrote:
Is wrong for spurning ewe, that is for sure.

DJ wrote:
THAT SAID: i only just pinged him for e-bffness a few hours ago. for all we know, he isn't even online.
*thinks this through*
he's such a rat bastard.

JERF wrote:
am steaming mad at him. am fresh cow dump of anger.

DJ wrote:
*suppressing sniggle*
yes. that is how i see you, too.
*choking*

JERF wrote:
nice. that's the last time I engage in righteous anger on your behalf.

DJ wrote:
*cajoling* *sweet voice*
oh. you'll get over it.
*big smile*
stop being such a big pussy! hee.
*nose-crinkle grin*

JERF: *speechless*

Roq'star

TRACY JORDAN: jack donaghy, i'm gonna make you a MIX tape. do you like phil collins?

JACK DONAGHY: do i have two ears and a heart?

Joo bloos

"I have a short, Jewish-man shaped hole in my heart."
--pajiba.com whining about TDS reruns due to writer's strike

Screaming

"if i ever saw an amputee being hanged, i'd just yell out letters."
--dimitri martin

TDS fix

"it's weird how the word 'finger puppet' sounds okay as a noun . . ."
--dimitri martin

I, too, should have been a great proficient, had I learned to write . . .

12:15 p.m. A man in a suit passes by. He yells, “I hope you all get fired!”

Look—this is weird for us, too, you know. Writers are not a naturally combative species. We’re used to sitting in front of our computers and crying. Fresh air is like poison to us. If protocol didn’t dictate otherwise, it’s very likely we would never wear pants. But we’ve given up our salaries and our jobs — easily the only jobs we’re qualified for — to stand outside and yell at people. So, for the sake of decency, could you please not yell back.

--from the daily diary of "daily show" writer rachel axler on writers' strike picketing

Bleu cheese

DJ wrote:
*read at CNN.com* "man walks into clinton '08 campaign office with bomb strapped to chest."
*gasp*
barry, NO!

JERF wrote:
Heh. I think it actually may be Kucinich.

DJ wrote:
mike gravel finally flipped his go-kart?

JERF wrote:
Not yet.
(Am chortling at thought of Mike G on go-kart.)

DJ wrote:
BOMBER IS: NRA protestor.
GOT CONFUSED: thot bom was gun

JERF: that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
DJ: aaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

JERF wrote:
*snort*

DJ wrote:
WE ARE: officially en route to the hott place. Laughing about hostage situation?

JERF wrote:
Oh, I see your point.

*moment of respectful silence*
*beat*
*continued schaedenfraude*

DJ wrote:
ON SERIOUS NOTE (for limited time onry): am sad of inevitable reaction. campaigns will become even more nervous and closed. *sigh* won't be able to stalk barry without getting patted down by security first.

*pre-emptively icy* and, no, i WOULDN'T enjoy that; in case you hadn't heard, i am a WOMAN OF VIRTUE.

JERF wrote:
Yeah, I think ewe are right. Though, Hills and Barry already have secret service details. Though, obvs, not at their small town NH headquarters.

DJ wrote:
I FEEL: i deserve a personal security detail.

JERF: the helmet and straight jacket aren't "secure" enough?
DJ: . . .

Eats, shoots & leaves

DJ wrote:
a fellow editor sent me the following:

Bill Cosby has apparently failed to use the comma of direct address, with disastrous consequences:



LW wrote:
Heh heh heh. That tops my previous favorite, the book dedicated:
To my parents, God and Ayn Rand.

DJ wrote:
wow. wasn't ayn an atheist? doesn't that coupling prove . . . difficult?

Reparation

JERF wrote:
With regards to teen pregnancy as portrayed in "Juno":

"Asked if he can relate to the predicament, Bateman, first-time father to one-year-old Francesca, offered a more comical take: 'Do you mean, "Will my daughter grow up to be a whore?" So far, "Yes, she has a little bit of a strut to her."'"

RAF wrote:
that's almost enough for me to forgive him for "Teen Wolf 2"!

Modern marvels

DJ wrote:

please send recipe for burnt choco'bourbon pecan pah that you served at thanksgiving dinner. i know you thought it was too cajun (read: charred), but i ADORED it and would love to counteract my new exercise regimen with a few slices. SEE: moby dick; SEE ALSO: treadmill, the

twelvebrick and i left your haus that eve so very content. loved our stay. and twelvebrick (he cracks me up) totally didn't know what to do with the green bean casserole (in the good way). there are some things italians have never experienced. on the ride home, he kept saying in this semi-dreamy voice, "i LOVED that GREEN thing." so, actually, i should ask you to send on that 'pe as well.

LW wrote:

I love that the green bean casserole is an exotic treat for him! That's hilarious. It reminds me of the time my friend M came back from her dentist appt. (this was when we were living together in our 20s) and told me with wonder about this little device that her new dentist had that sucked the saliva out of your mouth while he worked. And his chair went up and down! (She had been going to the same old geezer dentist ever since she was five, and he had never upgraded. It wasn't until the geezer retired that Mary discovered the wonders of modern dentistry.)

DJ wrote:

M getting her teeth pulled with pliers? is hilarious.

LW warbles the blues

LW wrote:
Dear Director of the World:

My new cube-neighbor is always "holding forth" on various topics. She lectures several times a day, almost continually really, to me and others both present and on the phone. How do I deal?

Yours,
Despairing

DJ wrote:
dearest Concerned Office Worker:

i am stymied. because i used to be that cube-neighbor "holding forth." and i can't think of one thing that would have made me shut it. ooh! yes i can: come up with a list of ten web sites you think are clever/time consuming. when she sallies over to expound on what she's getting aunt nergil for christmas/toilet training her pet newt/are my elbows chubby?/etc., say, "oh, cube-neighbor! have i got the web site for you! i've just emailed you the URL. go look at it. now."

either that or you could feign deafness. *LW speaks in atonal, nasal bray, "ieee cahhh hearrrooooo?!!" while gesticulating wildly toward her ears*

yours in solutions,
DoW

LW wrote:
Dearest Director:

You are evil but infinitely wise. I think I can do the fake-deaf voice; can you assure me it won't cause me to go to hell?

--C.O.W.

DJ wrote:
dearest C.O.W.,

my lawyers have advised me to not comment.

that said, if the helen keller ruse doesn't pass muster, perhaps one of the following suggestions will do the trick:

-grenade

-noise-reducing earmuffs

-swab her phone receiver with bacteria (laryngitis)

-out'chat her: don't let her get a word in edgewise; she will be cowed

-quit

Tribulation

JERF wrote:

Am home with spawn today. The pink eye, hoss. Kind of a feminine affliction for a little boy. He looks better in green. But I am trying to be open-minded.

Teh hotness

so, my sisters, sister-in-law, and i have a cooking thread going, in which we've been discussing the merits of different brands of slow cookers, among other things. Roo just proved she and i are from the same murky gene pool by closing her latest email with, "rock out with your crock out!"

i am heave-snorting.

Smelling salts, please

LW wrote:
Cubes: Here is your reminder that we are meeting at my house at 1:00 for our discussion of A Three-Dog Life. It just so happens that the movie version of The Golden Compass will be playing about five minutes away, at 3:30, 4:30, and 7:00. Group cinema outing? Anyone?

DJ wrote:
i may invite Lord Twelvebrick to join us. objections? cigars? cigarettes?

LW wrote:
Are you talking book club or just movie? And would we actually have to address him as My Lord?

DJ wrote:
i am just talking "golden compass." i will spurn him with my sateen ballet slipper during book'club'ness. yes? is okay?

APPROPRIATE ADDRESS:
my lord
my liege
bear (pet name)

KBS wrote:
I have just received permission to be baby-free all of Sunday afternoon/evening, so I am in for a cinema outing. I . . . I'm slightly speechless at the prospect. I may need to visit the swooning divan.

Lord Twelvebrick can come if I'm allowed to give him a pet name of my own invention.

LW wrote:
KBS, you have country music songstresses to thank for teaching American men about the importance of the Girl's Night Out.

On the express bus to fit town

The spouse and I have purchased a treadmill. After one use, I discovered that the tassels on my pink leotard tend to catch in the running belt. Now said piece of machinery has been relegated to laundry-drying rack for my damp delicates.

In addition, Moby Dick: Or, the Treadmill takes up a full one-third of my living room, engulfing the limited space we had for our faux, prelit Christmas tree. Am considering decking the 'mill with lights and tinsel in the stead of a tree. Perhaps perching an angel in legwarmers atop?

To be continued . . .

Probable

JERF wrote:
I think once one gets to be a certain age, anyone with an income and a recent lack of felonious behavior is good news.

Curiouser and curiouser

Overheard:
The left side of my hair smells like ham.

Telecommuting

JERF (1:16 PM): Please note: there is currently on my TV an ep of "Little House" titled "Divorce, Walnut Grove style."
JERF (1:17 PM): Ew are an enigma: the one day i am online, ewe are not there.
JERF (1:17 PM): . . .
JERF (1:18 PM): am going to go ahead and talk to self since ewe are off looking in the fridge, talking on the phone, or similar.
JERF (1:18 PM): H keeps tooting.
JERF (1:19 PM): Stupid subplot involving Charles putting in picture window in the "little house."
JERF (1:19 PM): window broke. soundtrack featured "game over" sound.
JERF (1:20 PM): Another fart. Maybe apples weren't a good idea for lunch.
JERF (1:20 PM): Watched "Iron Chef America: Battle Carrot" last night. Was inspired.
JERF (1:21 PM): Am thinking about making carrot and goat cheese sandwiches with green olive tapenade next week.
JERF (1:21 PM): Another fart. We may be looking at a diaper-related incident.
JERF (1:22 PM): Fack. Emeril is on Fud Ntwk. Subpar.
JERF (1:23 PM): OMG! Emeril has the same casserole as me (classic Emile Henry rectangular in cobalt).
JERF (1:24 PM): Back to "Little House." I don't believe this. Harriet is hitting on Nels. Pass the bourbon. And the bleach.
JERF (1:24 PM): Dean Butler (Manly) had some fierce hair in those days. Criminy.
JERF (1:25 PM): Horrifying: Adult Laura is sharing a room with Albert (who has Peter Brady-style voice breaking).
JERF (1:26 PM): I was thinking maybe I should convert this to an e-mail but have not because I am afraid that the emoticon won't be animated in an e-mail
JERF (1:28 PM): hm. Hank changed teh station to Marfa. Subpar.
JERF (1:29 PM): What was I thinking, part I-have-lost-count: I used to LOVE Melissa Gilbert's wardrobe on this show.
JERF (1:29 PM): Not to mention the hair.
DJ (1:29 PM): you have serious issues.

Dark Side = jumbo loan

DJ wrote:
this is house Mr. DJ loves (for elevator) [redacted]. i? want to cry when i think about keeping it clean. 5k square feet? no, thank you. it would be delightful to live there, but, really, it's a hideous idea. can you imagine the utility billz?

JERF wrote:
Is gorgeous. Fireplaces everywhere! Wow! And that window (I don't know the term for it, it's not a bow window because it's rectangular)! Girl, forget about keeping it clean yourself. That's why God invented "help."

DJ wrote:
i hear your ass. *beat* did you even note and heart the 'vator? which i would, of course, call Darth.

What goes around

JERF wrote:
Am home with Hanq who has the pink eye. Will try and find time to e-mail in between rousing renditions of "Old McDonald."

puttin' the junk in conjunctivitis,
Typhoid Mary

DJ wrote:
your son is a swaddled petri dish.

JERF wrote:
Ewe aren't kidding. Cute, but virulent. am considering weaponizing.

DJ wrote:
*snort* is sort of like plutonium. can only be handled for discrete periods of time by trained professionals in protective gear or will breach.

JERF wrote:
*buys "Elmo" padded tongs for picking him up*
*uses Hazmat-approved changing station*
*signs lucrative research contract with the CDC*

DJ wrote:
AUNTA DJ: begins fondly referring to hank as "the boy in the bubble" (sans irony)

JERF wrote:
Forget Hanq; Mummy is going to get a bubble.

Bleach shower

RAF wrote:


really, i don't dig blonds and think something must be inherently wrong with becks if he's stayed with posh so long, but this man is fine.

DJ wrote:
CONFESSION: was startled (not entirely pleasantly) by enlarged, smooth, round nads and shaved thighs.

JERF wrote:
CONSIDER: is wearing cup?

DJ wrote:
-has stuffed Pants with slightly inflated balloon pilfered from Brooklyn's birthday party?
-has elephantitis of man'grapes?
-allergic reaction to fabric softener?
-other?

Best intentions

Fez wrote:
Wish we were all spending Christmas together in our magic commune (magic because somehow we would manage to make it not creepy).

Inspired by previous

Venn diagram of edginess

Confessions of a paled midwestern lady

File this under "Embarrassing but compelling":


Celtic Woman are sassy in coordinating ball'gear.


Not even those dresses can compete with Andre Rieu's hair.


Il Divo, Josh Groban, says "suck it" to all his Interlachen haters.


According to a fansite, "Sarah Brightman's vocals heal."

*JERF disowns DJ*

COMMENTARY: Husband considers self sometime Kenny G fan. Our true love = inevitable?

Delicious hee

DJ wrote:
[commenting on most recent "Friday Night Lights" episode] Riggs sleeps with ferretts! So awesome.

JERF wrote:
And for once, JERF wants to be a ferret.

For the initiated

GYMNASTS: *ogle Riggs*

COACH TAYLOR: Doin' alrigh'?

RIGGS: Not really. I just hit an eight-six, Coach. Stacy should be hittin' those double-backs. She's been her own worst enemy all day. That's bull crap.

COACH TAYLOR: . . .

Look at them girls . . .

DJ wrote:
[Quoting most excellent dialogue from "Friday Night Lights"]:
"Oh. Yeah. You that football guy, huh? Alright. So you need a place to crash. So long as you help out, help take care of Roscoe and Coltrane, you welcome."
"Who's that?"
"Ferrets. Ferrets is better than cats. Come on in. I'll introduce ya."

*snort*

JERF wrote:
Did you get the Roscoe and Coltrane reference?

DJ wrote:
i did not. isn't coltrane a singer?

JERF wrote:
Roscoe P. Coltrane was the Sheriff on "Dukes of Hazzard."

But ewe are right: John Coltrane is a blues musician.

DJ wrote:
I RESPEKK SELF: have never seen an episode of "dooks."

JERF wrote:
I think better of ewe for it.

DJ wrote:
*cum energy* ooh! but i HAVE seen that clever johnny knoxville remake!!!

JERF: *redacts everything ever said in entire life*

Or, . . .

"Mmm, epidural. It's like candy in my lower back!"

Hypothesis

LW wrote:
If Heaven exists, I bet it will be just like Sudan.

Things aren't looking good for chili

DJ wrote:
NBC SCRAMBLES TO FILL AIR TIME DURING WRITERS' STRIKE.

Jerf wrote:
SO troubling.

"Dr. Steve-O" sounds particularly awful.

DJ wrote:
JERF AND DJ:
submit their spouses for injection of cool on dr. steve-o

JERF'S SPAWN:
submits father for participation in "my dad is cooler than your dad"

THE SPOUSES:
do not submit wives for "make me into a super model"; are too pragmatic for that

DJ:
thinks about submitting self for "american gladiators"; jerf eggs on, because knows will snort-laugh

Jerf wrote:
I just droobled chili at the thought of you doing "American Gladiators." Have vision of you wearing knee pads and helmet and dangling above pool from rope swing while some chick named Ashli tries to hurl herself at you.

DJ wrote:
*snort*
perhaps is bad, bad idea. my dignity isn't the only thing i'd sprain, i fear.


DJ is taken out by Starla and Ashli

FAN-atical

Connie Britton is the second coming in a push-up bra.

I'll take what I can get

[to JERF] We are better than they are. Eh, well, we're prettier, anyway.

Pure as driven snow

JERF wrote:
Am looking for christening outfit for Spawn. Most stuff looks like this (for boys):



DJ wrote:
THINK YOU SHOULD PURSUE: an off-white or tan romper. CONSIDER: original sin.

Humble hovel

So, about ten agents from a local Real estate company just tromped through my house on their weekly survey of new and stalled homes they're listing, at which time they comment on their impressions and offer suggestions to boost sales. MrDJ and I haven't yet committed to this company, but they offered to run The Trail of Tears through our domicile regardless.

Now, hosses, I know my house is in bad shape: I just ripped the bathroom apart, and, as a result, our one and only closet is not functional, and I've begun spilling the clothes into the bedroom and all over the third floor. Is an issue. So, of course, I know that when I get comments back I'm going to see stuff like "Re-drywall bath?" "Storage?" "Clutter?" et cetera.

So, all ten of the agency's brightest and most local tromp up to my bedroom, and I hear a chorus of laughter and over that the braying voice of one agent who loudly and correctly asserts that "Well, at least they made their bed this morning!" *group braying*

*sigh*