Oh, the humanity!

no. NO! no. it's too much. Yahoo.com heralds that "Boy's mom gets stuck in tire swing," and there are pictures.

*grave, respectful silence*

oh, god. please, TLBJ. be with this woman, now and at the hour of the complete obliteration of her self-esteem, amen.

I'm waiting for the phone call, MTV!

JERF wrote:
I do feel very sorry for her, actually, though I still kind of have fun making fun of her. But, yeah, I just keep thinking, she had to go to sleep last night thinking about how people are laughing at her. And no one likes to be laughed at. Although, in her delusional state, maybe she doesn't really care.

What would you wear if you had to go on stage to open the VMAs in your current habitus? I would wear:
-GIRDLE (preferable made from NASA-engineered polymer)
-slimming dark wash trouser jeans
-boots (with podiatric soles, to protect from ravages of dancing)
-tunic-style top with cap sleeves
-18 hour steel-buttressed brassiere with sports bra on top of it
-Alice band (bangs are getting long)

Sessy!

DJ wrote:
TO OPEN THE 2007 VMAs I WOULD WEAR:
-husband's white hane's t-shirt
-fleece-lined sweatpants
-husband's white cotton gym socks
-the sofa
-wouldn't actually perform
-would lick popsicles (Edy's fruit bars: lemonade) while flicking through channels with broken remote control we fail to replace (the buttons for 2, 5, 7, and up-channel/down-channel are only buttons that work), not really watching VMAs, until, exhausted, lumber up to bed around 9:15 to read mafia book until c. 2:00 a.m.

y'all?

JERF wrote:
Hee: visions of high-tech hydraulic system lowering your sofa from ceiling of VMA venue.

DJ wrote:
ooh. could be a sort of twenty-first-century absurdist opening number (think: john cage's revolutionary 4'33").
sofa lowered from ceiling while i lick popsicle. crowd and i stare at each other, unblinking. i burp. then the "2007 VMAs in Las Vegas!!!" graphics flash on everybody's TV screens, and the show opens. nice.

what do you think?

It's the *little* things

JERF wrote:
JERF FEELS GOD IN THIS CUBICLE: have found forgotten bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion in drawer.

"Don't worry---you're really big in Kuwait . . ."

Concerning Britney's cool reception at the 2007 VMAs:

JERF wrote:
Ok. Now this is beyond schadenfreude. This is sad. I feel like we need to take girlfriend aside and employ some kind but firm heart-to-heart style conversation. If I had been raked half this badly at age 25 (or 32) I would have been devastated. As time goes on, I fear more and more for her. I have images of us holding Bic lighters and singing "Candle in the Wind" for her. It's that bad.

Love hurts

so, i'm fewlishly worried about Mr. DJ having to take public transportation into d.c. on september 11, since it's the first tuesday anniversary since the attacks.

i know, i know, it doesn't make much sense, but i am resigned to the fact that i am the wifely equivalent of the mom who makes her beloved child wear an egg-shaped safety helmet and elbow pads while playing leggos on the front porch.

*buys Mr. DJ navy pinstriped hazmat suit*
*sends lovingly packed luncheon of tinned beans and water purifying tablets*
*buys personalized first-aid kit as early one-year-at-job anniversary surprise gift*

Enn-Whee!

JERF wrote:
I AM sorry heifer. That's rotten. I wish that you had the season premiere that you could watch, AND recap in great detail for yours truly. But! The season premiere will be soon (Oct. 4), and I think your party will be awesome with the eps that you have.

DJ wrote:
am alerting par-tay invites of my flub in spirit of full disclosure. (energy for party-throwing seriously flagging, post-no-actual-new-footage revelation. <-- am worst, most disingenuous hostess EVER.)
"Dear Revelers,

In addition to your asses, 12'brick hosts mice, rats, ants, flies, termites (suspected), and Kabul (see bathroom), and there is no new FNL footage to show you. I haven't cleaned the kitchen floor in probably a month, and I plan to prepare food in that room, regardless.

Can't wait to see you Friday night.

Smooches,
dj"

JERF wrote:
am guffawing. you are TERRIBLE.

DJ wrote:
*gushing* jerf, i can't WAIT for you to come visit me at 12'brick! *flutters eyelashes* no, REALLY.
JERF: *low growling*

JERF wrote:
*arrives at BWI*
*takes the duck tour instead*

DJ wrote:
*snort*
do not be DECEIVED. the DUCK tour is a WORLD of fun. it seriously is. i kept the yellow plastic duck-bill-shaped quacking whistle (ducklip!!!!) for prolly a year after i took my tour.
*wipes eyes*
good times. good times.

--

*dj sits on ass with shades drawn, picking teeth with Edy's Fruit Bars: Lemonade popsicle stick*
--

*jerf dines on maryland lump crab-cake sandwich at The Rusty Scupper*

--

*dj counts how many times she can fart into the sofa cushions within a ninety-second period*

--

*jerf gets kind passer-by to take digi-pic of her with BPD personnel with Baltimore's World Trade Center in background*

--

*dj naps during "Semi-homemade with Sandra Lee: Chili Desserts!"*

--

*jerf laughs aloud as paddles Chessie the Chesapeake Paddle-Boat Monster around inner harbor*

--

*dj looks, dispiritedly, at contents of fridge: mustard, wilted spinach, baking soda*
*briefly considers mustard and spinach*
*closes fridge*
*heaves self up to third floor to ferret out dusty christmas candy in bowl from 2005*

--

*jerf snaps photos of fell's point during twilight Ghost Tour*

The wrath of the conned

The following exchange took place right after dj discovered that NBC had no intention of sending her a preview DVD of the season 2 premiere episode of "Friday Night Lights" despite advertising in tricky manner that implied they would do so if she agreed to host a "drink the Kool-Aid" party at her house, which she did.

DJ wrote:
oh, bitch, mama is PISSED. OFF. all this eff just to see old footage and a fifteen-minute montage?! no effing way. NO WAY! it is NOT. RIGHT.

JERF wrote:
Isn't that what the NBC ad said, though? You knew they were half-ass about this whole thing.

DJ wrote:
i clearly had no idea what they were saying. hell---i also previously thought there were going to be TV cameras (with taylor kitsch) at my haus. clearly i should not be allowed to think, hypothesize, form opinions, other.

*dj sits on supreme court*
DJ: i think he's guilty.
OTHER JUSTICES: . . .
DJ: what's our next case?
GINSBURG: *outraged* but we haven't even heard the case, yet!
DJ: but his name. i've never liked that name, if truth be told, and i am a HIGHLY intuitive person.
GINSBURG: this is grossly irregular! i protest!
SCALIA: i like it. we'll clear the docket in no time with this revolutionary approach. *doffs wig to a smiling, flushed dj*
THOMAS: are we taking a recess? would someone get me a coke?
DJ: gawd. this robe is ITCHY.

JERF wrote:
OH, Jesus, you are a mess. Oh, Bob Vance (Vance Refrigeration). Oh, God. Clarence Thomas asking for a coke, oh mercy me. Scalia wears a wig? I can't picture.

DJ wrote:
eh, i was picturing one of these:



JERF wrote:
Oh, beezus God. Oh, Mother Margaret mime of mercy. Help me.

I'm sorry, baby

DJ wrote:
wow. today i seem to have all the charm of a root veggie. that totally didn't come out like i meant it.

*LW smacks dj on mouth*

LW wrote:
I love that in our virtual world I'm always smacking you around!

DJ wrote:
it's how you are, LW. deep down. violent. maybe i should start referring to you as L "Ike Turner" W. you like?

i LOVE that in "3:10 to yuma" russell beds the non-green-eyed woman because "she'll do." i am always going to tell you that, in our friendship, your brown eyes are good enough.

*beat* except for is that creepy, given the context of the original comment?

socially awkward,
dj, much abused

LW wrote:
"Your brown eyes are good enough, Lynn"

*THWACK*

DJ wrote:
mmphhh mmmmmffff [dear ike],

mmafhhfhhhphhhh mfhphh [you need help—maybe anger-management counseling]?mmmmophhhhfhhhhhh [I, on the other hand, may need stitches].

mmmjphhhhhhhhh [Sorry I made you so mad that you had to hit me],
mph [dj]

Serendipity

LW wrote:
Following is a Venn diagram from the new book I'm editing:



DJ wrote:
no!!! is this for REAL?!?! are you serious?!

LW wrote:
YES! It's in my latest book---a handbook on critical thinking. Here's some of the text that goes with it:

/Type of Proposition/
/Form/
/Example/

Universal Affirmative
All /S/ are /P/.
All beagles are dogs.

Universal Negative
No /S/ are /P/.
No cats are dogs.

Particular Affirmative
Some /S/ are /P/.
Some dogs are beagles.

Particular Negative
Some /S/ are not /P/.
Some dogs are not beagles.

DJ wrote:
that's so amazing. it's like the Mother Ship has landed right on your DESK, LW.

TRUE STORY: i first encountered venn diagrams in my logic class. i LOVED determining whether S was P.

*SNORT* BUT CRUEL: i dated a guy off and on during high school whom jerf and i referred to simply as S. the final break-up ended in general ill will, so jerf took great pleasure in inscribing in my yearbook that S is P(ee). hee.

LW wrote:
I have to believe there's a beagle in the home of one of these coauthors. . . .

DJ wrote:
OTHER POSSIBILITY: or just a really creepy predilection for beagles.

Less is more

truncated headline at CNN.com reads "Teen: I 'let down' parents, killed them".

What have Jew done for me lately?

jon stewart: the acerbic, stumpy, jewy conscience of our generation

I have a date in 2008

ewe know, i missed out on MOST of the Indecision 2004 coverage (*judges self sharply*), so i can't wait 'til this campaign gets into full swing, just because that means My Boyfriend (*flicks off jerf and 'clare*) will be at his best. and the democratic candidates are an embarrassment of riches.

*kucinich hops around excitedly, squeaking like furby or similar*

DJ: or simply an embarrassment. either way.

Tag! You're it

DJ wrote:
czech out the fantab article CNN has posted on my boyfriend Christian Bale.

LW wrote:
That was nice. Two questions:

1. Where do you stand on his skin tag (near his eye)?


2. Did you know that his father is an extremely wealthy magnate who is also married to Gloria Steinem?

DJ wrote:
i? A.DORE.YOU.

LW wrote:
Yeah, I have a feeling that he's all proud and defiant about his skin tag. I don't think I would mind it so much if it weren't RIGHT by his eye; I find it super distracting.

DJ wrote:
QUALITIES I LOOK FOR IN A MAN:
-proud and defiant about skin tag

I'm my own list of five

DJ wrote:
oh, yes. i just spelled "mileage" "milage." shut it. i have many other good qualities.

JERF wrote:
Like?

DJ wrote:
-excellent legs (from knees down)
-good singer
-likes Toll House

JERF wrote:
-smurfy
- . . .

DJ wrote:
-owns toothbrush

RIP, Maddie

Jerf wrote:
Rest well, authoress.
Sad to hear you passed, though thought
you dead already.


Madeleine L'Engle, 1917-2007